I wasn't always this way.

 I guess I just stopped seeing the point in anything anymore. My soul feels broken, and my body feels weak. I just want to die most of the time. Maybe its my anxiety that makes me think everyone hates me. That I’m just not likable. Maybe its how I over analyze everything, peoples words, actions, and their lack thereof. I’m just tired. So tired of fighting the urge to get a hold of some sleeping pills and take one too many.

   Its like theres another person inside of me, who burrowed in my mind years ago, and slowly started taking over. Telling me how worthless I am. Or how weak and selfish and bitchy and ugly I am. People say otherwise, some people. “No, you’re pretty, what are you talking about?” “You’re likable, people love you” “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” But every time I hear it, all I can think is, you’re lying. You’re just lying so I dont kill myself. Your words have no meaning behind them, if I died they wouldnt care that I died, they’d be forced to show emotion, and act like they’re grieving. When theyre just upset over the simple thing that happened; death. You don’t care. You won’t miss me like you think you will, or how you tell me you will. You’ll be forced to show that my loss has effected you, so you can fit in. Because you’re taught thats what happens. That thats how youre supposed to act.

   I don’t want your fake grieving. Your meaningless stories. You never knew me, ever. No one does. Im so twisted that I dont know me. I don’t know what I love. I know one person that would be truly effected; and thats my best friend. It doesnt even matter to me what you say. When you tell me you’d kill yourself if I did; I know that you, would think about it. And think “I wish I could do that. I want to know, how people would react.” You don’t want to end your life, you just want people to be miserable.

   I, want to be put out of my misery. I want to end all these terrible thoughts I have. My perception of people. Their perception of me. I’m so tired of hearing rumors. Im tired of being called a whore. I was called that before I had ever made out with someone. And Im numb. So numb to people. Its like, Ive lost the capability to actually care about someone, and put them before me. Im so selfish. I didnt used to be.

   I used to be strong. Physically and mentally. I used to be wanted, people used to want to be my friend, before they even saw me. I used to be able to smile without thinking of how sad I really am. I wasn’t always this way. Not always. So dont think of me like a pathetic person, who cant cope, and cant handle anything. Because Ive just stopped seeing the point,in anything !!!!